Well...I can't say that yesterday was entirely bad. Yeah sure it had down parts and I spent quite a bit of the night at my cousin's party upset and crying. But hey I went to laser tag yesterday, I kicked some butt...It was enjoyable. The best was watching the thunderstorm. I've never experienced one quite like it. I love watching thunderstorms. But the best is being with the one you love and sharing an interest in just watching and listening. No talking was required, or needed. Just sitting on my cousin's front porch, in his arms was enough for me. He complimented me so much, even though I looked like crap from crying most of the night. He told me things that I have been waiting for a while to here. I won't go into the details unless I am asked about them. But right now, that is one of the best nights of my life...aside from finding out that someone I knew fairly well died. Jordan helped me realize that even though someone close to me died, it didn't have to be such a bad thing. He lived a great long life, and he had so many people to care about him. As much as that helped me...It still hurts. It is going to hurt, it always does when it comes to letting people go, but again, it is a part of the plan for our lives. We have to go through pain inorder see greatness. It is just the way life has to be. Everyone has their time to go...I just wish I could have said good bye.

My Shiney Tunes:

Current Mood:

Well it certainly has been a while since i have updated this. Not much has happened in the world of Hillary. I started Therapy on Tuesday night, and i couldn't stop crying when I was in there. *feels like a loser* I haven't done much writing but any writing like poems and crap all go into my live journal. *(http://www.livejournal.com/users/dead_heart_/)* incase any of you are the slightest bit interested in reading my non-sense babble that i write when i am bored out of my mind. I feel as though I am getting sick...not good. My nose is really stuffy...probably from being outside in the cold with no sweater or jacket on today. My bad. I've been really emo lately, not to sure why, but all i know is that my family crap has been pissing me off. Saturday I am supposed to go to some big reunion thingy cuz my great aunt is visiting from Alberta. I think it would be great to see her and all, but fuck that, I hate my family, they treat me like shit, so why should I go out of my way and become even more emo just because of them...when I can prevent it and go out and do my own thing with the people who treat me like their family even though there is no blood relation at all. My older "brothers" and "sisters" have been really good to me lately. They all are supporting me and helping me through this tough time I am having. I didn't really want to go to therapy last night but i was told by the boy just to think of him, and i told him that was one of the only reasons I was staying in therapy, I don't want him to always see the depressed emo Hillary, it bums him out when I am all emoish, so i told him i was staying in it just so that he could meet the really happy hillary, and none of this "happy" crap that I always pull. My nose is really runny and it is kinda pissing me off. But none-the-less I stay here to update this thing just so the few of it can read it and laugh at my idiocy. well i feel that i should be running along now, i have babbled in here for one night.


Good night all *muah*


My Shiney Tunes:None

Current Mood: sleepy and kinda sick.

Looking Out The Window...
Out of my window,
There is a whole new life.
Always something going on,
Never knowing what is passing by.

Why bother with all of life's crap
When I can just forget it?
However, it is hard,
Hard to forget the past.

Sturdy like a brick wall,
Standing straight and strong.
Never to fall,
Doing nothing but living.

Out my window,
There is a whole world to see.
So many memories,
Does this window have.

Times of "falling",
Times of pain,
Hurt and lies.
This window holds my secrets.

Secrets of tears,
Never shed infront of others.
Secrets of pain,
Trying to change life,
Accompanied by a bloody knife.

So many wasted nights,
Sitting by my window.
So many wasted nights,
Hiding dreamt of thoughts.

Things I dare not say,
For fear of,
What everyone else,
Might say.

Hiding food, I dare not eat.
Hiding booze, I dare not drink.
Hiding tears, I dare not shed.
Hiding a life, I dare not speak of.

This window does not,
Have as many secrets.
Standing sturdy,
Staying strong.

There is so much,
That I have to life for.
Life has a bit more meaning,
With understanding people.

At my window,
That holds my secrets.
At this window,
Thinking about life.

Secret window,
Holding thoughts and dreams.
Secrets of life,
Secrets not to be shared.

This is the worst thing in the world. Is it a crime to be able to see my own boyfriend? Is that too much to ask for? I want his mom to see how much this is killing me. I hate it all, i can't stand how when i just need to talk, i am not allowed to see him, and when i am on the phone i can't find the words. i can't explain what i want and how i feel when i am on the phone. I need to get all of this stuff out of my head and out in the open, I just need to be held and told that everything will be okay, rather then just hear all the time "Shut up!", "Stop crying", "Get over it!", "there isn't anything you can do about it so stop whinning!". And maybe my problems that i have are different then someone else's but just because they are different doesn't mean they don't hurt the same way.

Jordan I love you, and for you i am staying strong, but sometimes it is so hard to, but im going to, im going to keep my head up and just continue pushing through this until it is all cleared up...if it ever does get cleared up. I love you, and I always will.

All i need is one day...just one day where i can talk to him, just one day where parents won't be so mean. I know i shouldn't continue going on about this...but any of you would to if you were bascially told you can't see your boyfriend anymore. Just one day...is that too much to ask for?

So i went to the doctors today...oh joy what fun that was...he said there was nothing wrong with me, and all that it was, was inflamtion of my chest walls. *smacks head* okay...thanks? I now i have to take advil 3 times a day and that is supposed to help me. and I am supposed to go in tomorrow after school for blood tests. I want them to go away so i can go back to the way i was...and they will apparently be gone next week...great apparently is such a hopefull and reassuring word.

What Do You See?
Take a look,
Deep down inside of this girl,
And tell me what you see.
Some say they see a child,
Lost and confused.
Others say they see a juvenile delinquent,
That deserves to be ignored.
Some say they see a girl,
And nothing else but that.
This boy says that he sees an angel.
An angel with beauty and grace,
This one boy said:
"I will never take you for granted.
I will always treat you like an angel,
Because that is what you are in my eyes.
It's almost as if God sent you down to earth,
Just to make my life worth living,
Like he said this boy has suffered enough,
It's time to send him the best".
This girl is considered beautiful,
She is strong yet unsure.
While this girl is appeared as an angel,
There is a lot more then that.
Within this girl there is a lot to hide,
Secrets, regrets, and so much more.
And while this girl is a saviour,
This angel's wing will not allow her to fly.
Inside of this girl there is a wall,
A wall built strong and sturdy.
This wall was built to protect her heart,
And save it from more abuse.
Countless times her heart has been shattered,
Taken and smashed against the floor.
But now with this one boy,
The boy person who sees her as an angel,
There is no fret and no fear,
And the girl has opened the door and let this boy in.
But due to countless times of broken hearts,
And tears this girl has shed,
Our young little angle still worries,
And worries lots,
About her weak mended heart.
The boy has promised,
Never to hurt this her,
And while they are together,
Nothing can bring this girl down.
Slowly her heart is mending,
And becoming stronger everyday.
Stronger with a love,
A passion,
With her new companion,
Who treats her with all the best.
This young boy may have said,
That this angel saved him.
But if the truth be told,
And this boy could know,
This boy actually saved her.
This boy and angel,
Are two whom are so close,
Nothing can bring these two apart.
This angel if you have not figured it out,
Is me through and through.
Not many know this side of me,
All you see is a girl,
One who is quiet and shy.
None of you know the real me.
Take a look a little deeper,
And get to know someone.
Because in reality,
Everyone is different on the inside.
To some I am a lost child,
To others I am a juvenile delinquent
To some I am just what I appear to be.
But to one I am an angle,
A saviour,
A life line,
His one and only.
So tell me...
What do you see?

BAH! I am so bored...it is Friday night and I am basically the only one at home. *smacks head off of desk* I have so much energy I just wanna go out and run...but if I do that then I am gunna cough and get chest pains, and I have had 6 couching attacks followed by chest pains already today...ugh I cant stand this...they are getting worse and worse as I go along. I took gym to stay in shape...I can't even do that anymore. I can't do the games or sports in gym because I run and then I start coughing...and then people think I am really out of shape, when I'm not. I just wanna run outside and play some hockey or something, I cant stand this I need to start my track route soon but I can't if I am continuously coughing just by running 2 feet in front of me. I just wanna be able to ride my bike in the summer, and do my track route without this burden of having a coughing attack every 2 minutes followed by 10 minutes of a sore chest with stabbing pains. ;_; I just wanna know what's wrong with me. I wanna know why I am like this and why I can't breathe after just running 2 feet. And why I start to turn blue due to not breathing after running 2 feet. I need to burn off some energy but I can't do anything, its 10:30 at night and my parents are all over-protective...its like they need to have me here just so they can yell at me...and then when they do yell at me, they tell me to get away from them yet I can't go anywhere. I can't go outside...because I might get "sexually asulted" I don't see why they care...they are yelling at me to get away. It makes no sense. I need to get out of here...but unfortunately I am stuck here. I was here tonight...and probably I will be home alone tomorrow night just like I was last night. My parents are going out and my day with Jordan has been postponed until Sunday...unless he decides he wants to see me after his ball hockey tournament tomorrow...but well, he will probably end up staying out with his buddies which is okay, i have no problem with atht just it equals another lonely night where I get freaked out by stuff falling off of dressers with no one else in the house but me. *hates being home alone* I don't want to spend another night alone...I just don't want to and I don't think my nerves can handle it. Everyone else probably has plans for tomorrow night already...thus concluding I am a very lonely person on my weekends...because HEY I have no life...and the life I used to have I can't have anymore I need to burn off some energy...

well I think I have been emo enough for one night, good night everyone who had a good night tonight, lucky bastards.